ElizabethBanks.com

The Essential Makeup Check List

Tue, 21 May 2013 03:47:00 -0700

We’ve all had to do our makeup in less than ideal situations—in the car, the gym bathroom, on the subway… In case you’re primping your face in a fluster, Elise here has created a makeup checklist you can follow. Xx EB

My colleague suggested I make a makeup checklist, for those mornings when I roll in and have no idea where I am, who I am, or what I’m doing. This seemed like a good idea. I also provided helpful photos to illustrate each step.

1. Roll into work forty minutes late…you’re going to need a little more than that cup of Fair Trade coffee…

2. Apply under-eye concealer, because you did NOT get enough sleep last night and even if you did, nothing will ever undo your permabags.

3. Blend that shit in with your really old Cover Girl foundation or coverup or whatever it is.

4. Congrats, you now look like a pasty white corpse.

5. Apply blush. Lots of it, to your cheek bulges when you smile. Otherwise people will ask you all day, “Are you okay? You look really pale. I mean…paler than usual.”

6. Next, apply thick, black eyeliner, because it is the only thing you know how to do and it makes you look so FIERCE.

7. Curl your eyelashes. Terrify your coworkers with what appears to be a medieval torture device.

8. Realize that your mascara is really old and nasty and you should probably replace it.

9. Apply that shit anyway.

10. Check your final results…

11. Damn, girl.

12. Keep telling yourself that.

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had to get ready?

About Elise Bischoff: Elise is a writer/Hollywood assistant with an active interest in cat gifs and the search for Bigfoot.

The Busy Lady’s Guide to a Lazy Vacay

Mon, 20 May 2013 03:10:00 -0700

You know those “vacations” you’ve taken in the past…the ones where when you arrive back home you think, Wow I’m exhausted. Can I get a vacation do-over?   We’ve all been there. I did it last year. We get overzealous and try to pack way too many things into a limited amount of time. We end up feeling stressed instead of relaxed. Basically, we suck the fun out of the vacation. And nobody likes a fun-sucker.

But hey, that’s all in the past now. Time to focus on making sure the next vacation rocks.   Here’s my first piece of advice—chill out! No, seriously. Give yourself a break! I dare you to curb some of those type-A tendencies and just ENJOY yourself.   I’m giving you permission to relax and read this list I made. Nothing fancy—just a busy lady’s guide to a killer vacation (which I shared on iVillage): 

Step away from the cell phone. Stop laughing…I’m being totally serious. Being disconnected for a few days will help you recharge YOUR battery. So do it!
Forget the hair and makeup. It’s liberating, I’m telling you. Who cares if you have dark circles under your eyes or a zit that won’t quit? You’re on vacation now, so those suckers should disappear with a little R & R.
Sleep in. We all hate our alarm jingles. All the more reason to take a break from setting alarms for a few days. Let your body wake up naturally and you’ll feel like a million bucks. You can thank me later.
Order something delicious. How often do we order what we ACTUALLY want off the menu? If you answered “never,” this one is for you. Go ahead and order that juicy steak. You deserve it.
Get a massage or something. Or a mani/pedi, a facial…whatever pampering your little heart desires.
Take a nature walk. And by nature walk I mean, go outside, take in your surroundings, and if you’re feeling extra crazy, stop and smell the roses! This is your chance to soak up some vitamin D the natural way and spend some quality time with yourself. What a concept!
Finish that book. You know the one. You’ve had that same page dog-eared for weeks/months now. Enough already! Grab that book, find a comfortable/scenic spot, and get lost in the pages.

Can you handle these to-dos? I know you can. That was a rhetorical question.

Alright, I’m just going to leave you with one final thought:  

Ask not what you can do for your vacation—ask what your vacation can do for you.

Do you have a vacation planned for the summer? Where are you heading?

Photo source: magwriter.tumblr.com

How to Take a Car Nap

Fri, 17 May 2013 03:05:00 -0700

Mark is here today to share with you an incredibly important business strategy—car napping. I took one once in downtown LA. Enjoy! Xx EB

When I was fresh out of college, I had the incredible fortune of working as an assistant in the writers’ office of Grey’s Anatomy. The not-so-fortunate part, however, was the 26-mile commute I had to make every morning from my parent’s house in West Hills, CA (see: the valley) to the studio in east Los Angeles. But instead of waking up at 7:30 am, getting ready for work, sitting in traffic for an hour and fifteen minutes, and rushing into the office by the skin of my teeth at 9:00, I had a different plan.

That plan involved a car nap.

So I got up at the crack of dawn, left the house at around 6:30, and whittled that hour-and-fifteen minute commute down to just 45 minutes. The rest of the time was mine to do with as I pleased. And what pleased me more than anything was a sweet, sweet car nap.

So now you’re probably thinking, “Mark, how do I take a proper morning car nap before work like you did?”

I’m glad you asked.

Step 1: Wake up really early.

I learned that I can easily get up at any hour of the morning if I know I can go back to sleep soon after. You know, like a snooze button. Only, when I got out of bed, I was fully awake and alert, knowing my car nap wouldn’t be too far away.

Step 2: Find a nice quiet place to park your car.

Preferably in the structure or lot at your office, but as far away from all the other cars as possible. You don’t want anyone to know you’re a weirdo who sleeps in his car.

Step 3: Cover your windows.

I liked to use those silver, foldable shades people get to keep the sun out of their cars, but you can use whatever you have: a jacket, a sheet, some newspaper. Be creative!

Step 4: If you drive a car that has a push-button ignition, disarm it.

(there’s usually a switch underneath the steering wheel for that)

If you're anything like me and have a tendency to act out your dreams (see: Mike Birbiglia’s Sleepwalk With Me. No seriously, see it. It’s very funny and quite accurate), there is a possibility you might have that one recurring dream where you’re trying to drive your car but this time you’ll actually be driving your car. And that’s not the kind of dream you want to come true.

Step 5: Get comfortable.

Keep a pillow or a blanket in your car. Heck, you can even have a change of clothes if you want. Tops and bottoms. And make sure you change back into your work clothes when you’re done napping. I learned that the hard way.

Step 6: Set several alarms.

Sometimes car naps are hard to wake up from. Better safe than sorry. Also, if it’s hot out, you probably don’t want to spend too much time in there. I learned that hard way, too.

Step 7: Give yourself a 10-minute “wake-up” period.

We’re all a little disoriented (see: loopy) after we nap, so splash some water on your face, make sure there are no pillow lines on your cheek, and practice saying “hello” to your co-workers.

Step 8: Conquer the day.

Congratulations, you took your first proper car nap. Now go out there and get that big promotion!

Have you ever taken a car nap? Would you?

About Mark: Mark Saul is an actor, writer, artist and musician living in Los Angeles with his beautiful wife, Ilana (whom you might remember from this post about beets). You can follow Mark on Twitter @MarkSaul.

Incredibly Cool Photography

Thu, 16 May 2013 03:04:00 -0700

My friend Natalia introduced me to photographer Gray Malin of Maison Gray - The House of Malin Gray Photography. I bought a photograph from his Prada Marfa collection last year. Because he’s so damn cool, I wanted to share his work with you.

Of his Prada Marfa collection, he says this:

“Marfa, a famous arts town located in West Texas, is home to many intriguing artistic endeavors; most notably a Prada store art installation. Filled with a 2005 collection of Prada purses and shoes, the store is sealed shut and sits freestanding on the side of the open highway. Using mules, cowboys, models and my imagination I was able to bring this unique series to life.”

His travels are his inspiration, as you can see in a lot of his work.

And architecture:

Aerial views:

And humor! Because, as he puts it, “Why does the art world have to be so serious?”

It’s kind of unbelievable that he used to sell this at the Melrose Trading Post flea market in LA. You can find out more about his cool story here.

And see more of his work here.

You can currently check out his work live at Gallery 825 in Los Angeles and Room 8 gallery in Sau Paulo, Brazil.

Which photo is your favorite?

Who is your favorite artist right now?

The New Catching Fire Poster

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:15:00 -0700

Eyes over here, everyone. It's time for the brand new Catching Fire poster, which premiered on the Hunger Games Instagram.

The quote on the top - "The sun persists in rising, so I make myself stand" - is in the first chapter of Catching Fire. It shows how much of a badass Katniss is and how strong she will have to be in this second episode of the Hunger Games series. I'm excited for you all to see the film… Are your calendars marked for November 22nd?

Do you have a favorite quote from Catching Fire?

Share it in the comments, please!

5 Things Every Young Professional Should Know

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:38:00 -0700

Stephanie from Team Elizabeth is sharing some lessons learned today. They’re essential for young professionals, but they’re really things that everyone needs to know. Read ahead and take notes. Xx EB

Recently, I’ve been confronted with “real world” dilemmas that I feel totally and completely unprepared for. (Side note: It always peevs me when people refer to the “real world” as if life before wasn’t real, but to clarify, I’m referring to life after college and parental financial support). It’s during these “real world” dilemmas that I feel like I must have missed something. I put in my time at a reputable four-year school and I had smart, attentive parents, so I wonder, “how did I get this far without learning these life things?” Do I blame my social science education? Or maybe I should have spent time getting job experience and skipped college altogether?

And then I realize that there are more of my kind out there! There are way too many people my age who don’t know like the difference between an IRA and a Roth IRA or how to negotiate at their job or how to file their own taxes. They don’t know that showing up to your job with wet hair or chipped nails isn’t the way to impress your boss. Or that saving up for retirement can’t wait until you’re “financially stable” because… when is that? Who should have taught us these things? Our professors? Our parents? Has the system failed us all?

Clearly, I am not the person to give you the answers to all of these things. For f*#& sake, I’m still figuring this all out for myself. But here’s a list of a few things I have learned so far:

“You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.” – Chester L Karrass.
Your boss is not going to walk up to you and offer you a raise or a better office (unless your boss is crazy amazing and then tell me where you work and I’ll be applying tomorrow). I think this is especially difficult for us ladies because women are socialized to be “polite” and being strategic is somehow seen as the antithesis of that—it’s not! All of us need to learn how to be our own advocate, in both personal and professional situations. Know your value (for a great salary calculator, I recommend salary.com) and if you’re being undervalued, seize it as an opportunity to negotiate. To figure out how to navigate the business world, I’m working my way through this list of career books for women. There are a lot of other great books and resources out there—levoleague.com, forbes.com, businessinsider.com, linkedin.com. Use them!

You need to start saving for retirement. Now.
I’ve always had a savings account. I started one when I was 6 so that I could buy a car when I turned 16. But it wasn’t until this year that I started saving for more long-term goals, and that is only because of serious urging on the part of my boyfriend. But he’s right—the longer you wait, the larger percentage of your salary you’re going to need to save. And the younger you are when you start saving, the longer your money can compound for you. This Forbes article has some great information about starting to save for retirement. Read it, then sign up for your company’s 401k or start an IRA or a Roth IRA and start saving!

Credit is not your friend.
I have plenty of friends who got themselves into some pretty obscene amounts of credit card debt in college (and after). Somehow we’re deluded into believing that credit=free money and if you can’t afford those Louis Vuitton boots, well then throw it on the card! (I blame Pretty Woman and Sex in the City.) Instead, strive to be the kind of person the credit card companies hate—the kind who spends only what she can afford, pays it all off at the end of the month, and racks up a ton of free flights while she’s at it! One of the best tools I’ve found for managing my money is Mint.com (and the Mint app). I’ve also heard of people using the envelope system. Whatever works for you!

No risk, no reward
Our parents’ generation was able to put in their 40 hours a week, work their way up in their company slowly, make a decent living, and (hopefully) retire happily. They may have raised you to believe the same (as mine did)—go to school, get good grades, earn your degree, and the rest will come. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, today’s job environment does not work like that. We have to work longer and harder, to make less money. Now is not the time to get stuck in a job you hate because it’s “comfortable.” Now is the time to take risks, find something you love, and do a job that makes you proud at the end of the day. It might mean leaving the security of a well paying job (*ahem* to my friends with college degrees working as administrative assistants), but Bill Gates and Sheryl Sandberg did not get where they are by playing it safe.

You have the life you want.
You can blow all the hot air you want about your terrible job, wanting more time to spend with your friends, or wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/kid. You can talk until you’re blue in the face about how stressed you are and that you need more free time. But more times than not, these excuses that we create allow us to stay in our comfort zone. At the end of the day, the life that you have is the life that you’ve chosen. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, and there will always be spells of bad luck and tough times to overcome, but if you’re not happy with your life, change it! Work your hands to the bone, fight for what you want with unwavering determination, and chances are you’ll get there.

Like I said, I have not figured it all out, by any means. I’m sure there are boatloads of other things that you need to know. The point is, keep learning. Learn from your own mistakes, by others’ example, and dive into as many resources you can get your curser on.

I’d love to have some input from you guys - what are things that you’ve learned that young professionals need to know?

Share your advice in the comments.

About Stephanie Spear: Stephanie is part of Team Elizabeth, a former music publicist, an amateur crafter, and a tea enthusiast. When she's not working, you’ll probably find her experimenting with new plant-based recipes, watching 30 Rock on Netflix, or crafting (probably something she found on Pinterest), while downing whole pots of tea. You can follower her on Twitter @Stephisawes0me

Life is Good/Over

Mon, 13 May 2013 09:53:00 -0700

Oh, getting older. We all do it. Some more gracefully than others.

In Natasha Leggero’s guest blog, she mentioned that her friend who is 35 described herself as an “older woman.” That’s insane! But in our culture, there’s definitely a mentality that women somehow age faster than men. I found this hilarious video that shows the internalization of this phenomenon:

Whether you’re 29, 31, 17, or 65, own it! Look at amazing women like Diane Keaton, Betty White, and Hillary Clinton who mature and are still rockin’ it. Age is just a number right?

How are you feeling about your age?

Are you a “29” or a “31”?

A Leaky Student at Penn

Fri, 10 May 2013 03:13:00 -0700

I wasn't sure I should post about this. When I first read about the incident, I was hot with outrage so I waited a week to see if I still cared and it turns out I do. Here's the situation that riled me up.

Political consultant, Republican Party strategist and fellow Penn alumni Frank Luntz was invited to speak to University of Pennsylvania students last week. He took time out of his busy schedule to give these students an opportunity to learn from him, a distinguished alum and great political mind with real world experience, but someone blew it.

At a certain point during his talk, Luntz asked the room to stop recording him so that he could answer a question for the students, and openly discuss conservative talk radio, without fear of repercussion. Some jerk student in the crowd decided to record the audio anyway with his cell phone. Then this punk gave it to Mother Jones’ online news website. Because of this situation, Luntz decided to withdraw his commitment to speak on a panel at the University during graduation weekend, said that he would never return to speak there, and discouraged others from doing so as well. He also decided not to renew a scholarship in his father’s name. I can’t blame him.

Let me be clear: I am all for transparency in government (pun!). But this was a classroom setting in which a private person specifically asked not to be recorded so as to give some young comers a bit of low down. Penn is my alma mater, too, and I am appalled by the unethical and disrespectful conduct of this student.

This kid damaged Penn’s chances to bring great thinkers to speak candidly with students in the future.

Frank Luntz doesn't need my support. But as a person who has been awakened on an airplane by a teenager taking my picture on their phone, this incident reminded me how easily decency goes bye bye now that we all carry cameras with us at all times. We really have to rely on the honesty and integrity of those with whom we surround ourselves. Which begs the question - can we? And thus, can we ever be genuine in this digital age? And what benefit did this serve for this student?

How do we prevent this kind of situation from happening?

Do you think that real, controversial discussion is impossible in the digital age?

Let's chat about it in the comments.

photo source: flickr.com / gageskidmore

Get the Look from Babies

Thu, 09 May 2013 03:04:00 -0700

It’s recently come to my attention that I really should be taking more fashion cues from babies. I mean, have you seen the way they are dressing these days? Yeah, some look like they dressed themselves, but the other ones… man, they’re on trend. So in that spirit, I’m bringing you ways to get some fabulous baby-inspired looks:

Pattern Mixing

From Oh Joy

Get the look:

1. Black polka dot petite top from wallisfashion.com
2. Bank pearl snood from bankfashion.co.uk
3. Blaque Market – the punch leggings from misskl.com
4. Tamaris ankle boots in grey from zalando.com

Pop of Color

From Bleubird

Get the look:

1. Oversize cardigan from conleys.de
2. Ranska beanie from allsaints.com
3. River island/layer voop t-shirt from nelly.com
4. Alex slim-fit washed jeans from mango.com
5. Black Toms mens classic stripe from toms.com

A Beautiful Blush

From Katie’s Pencil Box

Get the look:

1. 60s lace panel shift dress in cream from topshop.com
2. Elliry cardigan on jackwills.com
3. Cutwork clutch from oasis-stores.com
4. Aloha cream patent mock alligator peeptoe heels from boohoo.com

Wild Child

Also from Bleubird

Get the look:

1. Floral chiffon tie front blouse from delias.com
2. ZX series stereo headphones from sony.com
3. Slim cropped pants in extremely green from gap.com
4. Seville wedge espadrilles from jcrew.com

Have you found fashion inspiration in unexpected places?

Tell me about it in the comments!

Dad’s Guide to Mother’s Day

Wed, 08 May 2013 03:00:00 -0700

I don’t think anyone fully understands the value of Mother’s Day until you’ve had to handle your share of poopy diapers. (Dads - I know you deal with this too, but there’s a day for you in June.) If you’re the partner to a great mom, this is the designated day when you get to show how appreciative of them you are (not that you shouldn’t be doing that all year).

The truth is, what moms really want for Mother’s Day is to enjoy all the great stuff about being a mom (and a woman) without the not-so-fun stuff. If you want to give your baby mama a great Mother’s Day, here are some ideas to either give as gifts or to plan for Sunday:

Lady’s Day Out: No errands allowed. Whether she wants to hit the mall or the spa, let her enjoy some time to herself.
Get Crafty: Help your kids create a memento for mom, like a handprint bouquet, cement hand or footprint stepping stones, or personalized plates.
Diaper Duty: Take over diaper duty for the day. Or go wild and offer a week!
Family Day Out: Plan a fun day with the kiddos. Make all the arrangements, pack all the snacks and the diaper bag, and don’t forget the camera.
Cleaning Duty: Offer to clean the house once a week for a month. Or… 6 months.
On the Town: Plan a night out for just the two of you—at a swanky restaurant, your favorite dive bar, or bowling. Whatever’s your speed. If she’s breastfeeding, remind her to pump and dump so she can get a bit boozy!
Breakfast in Bed: Seriously, who doesn’t like to wake up to the smell of coffee and bacon? Depending on how old they are, kids can pitch in and help on this one.
Friendly Fun: Arrange a surprise get together with her friends. Plan to babysit while they meet for lunch, drinks, or coffee.
Photo Shoot: Make arrangements to have a family photo taken, whether with a photographer or a friend with a camera. Everyone can get made up and you’ll have a family memory captured for the scrapbooks.
Mommy Pampering: Pampering can be as simple sleeping in a little or having time to take a long bath with a nice book. A nice massage to go with it would be even better.

Moms, any ideas you would add to the list?

What are you doing for the mom in your life for Mother’s Day?

Photo source: flickr.com / macinate

5 Things Your Mother DOESN'T Want for Mother's Day

Tue, 07 May 2013 09:44:00 -0700

Welcome back new mom Kaitlyn, who is here to help you find a thoughtful gift for your own mom for Mother’s Day this Sunday. Xx EB

Mother's Day - the time of the year when we all truly care about being thoughtful but usually end up scoring the last minute gift that you try to convince yourself she will just LOVE.

Here is a quick challenge: what did you get your mom for Mother's Day last year? The year before? If you can't remember, chances are you could have done better. Like, way better. I mean, our mothers are the ones that have put their bodies through the ringer, lost thousands of hours of sleep, had their favorite clothes puked on and never missed a beat. So this year, let’s talk about some of the things I can pretty much guarantee most mothers DON'T want for Mother's Day:

Flowers:

So you want to be thoughtful and pick up an overpriced bouquet of beautiful flowers? Not only will they die in no time, but also they take effort to care for and the cat will probably eat them and it will leave your mom cleaning up cat puke instead of enjoying her pretty flowers.

Instead: Offer to spend the day with your mom in her garden or creating a garden that you will help her maintain throughout the season. This can be full of flowers or veggies and can be a great excuse to spend a day with your mom each month instead of just on Mother's Day.

Chocolate:

Ok, so maybe all mothers would love chocolate but that certainly won't help us get summer-ready. While chocolate is always wonderful, it is a short-lived gift that doesn't take much thought.

Instead: Pinterest is full of fantastic baking ideas, some more healthy than others, which you can plan on baking with your mom. Pick up the ingredients in advance, bundle them into a basket and give them to her. Then spend the afternoon with her turning her kitchen into a place where memories and delicious baked goods are made!

Clothes:

Women are very picky about what they wear, whether they are super fashionistas or enjoy a more casual look. Trying to find clothes that your mom won't just pretend to like is a huge challenge. Chances are the item you get her will turn into an extra item on the to-do list when she goes out to exchange them.

Instead: Take her on a mini shopping trip! Hit a few of her favorite stores and spend the afternoon helping her pick out some fun new summer pieces and telling her how fabulous she looks. I am sure she will appreciate some shopping time without being rushed through the store hearing "are you done yet?"....

Beauty Products:

Beauty products are always nice but seriously, how hard is it to pick up one of those pretty smelling gift baskets from Bath & Body Works? Do you honestly think your mom is really going to find the time to use those bath salts and pamper herself at home?

Instead: Spa day! Don't just send her off on her own, go with her! Guys you can totally take advantage of this too, there are plenty of enjoyable things for the guys at a spa. This is a total win-win, you get to spend time together and you both get a day away being pampered.

Cards:

I am the type of person that always feels guilty about throwing away cards but then I never know what to do with them. I end up with a pile of cards that I am going to "scrap book with" that collect dust and are never read again. Even the sappiest cards just aren't that personal and once again, take very little effort.

Instead: Write her a letter! Living in the 21st century hand written letters are pretty much a thing of the past. Mother's Day is the perfect opportunity to write your mom a heart felt letter telling her why she is so amazing. I can guarantee the tears will follow and she will have a keepsake that she is likely to ACTUALLY scrap book with!

What are some of the most memorable gifts that you've gotten your amazing mom for Mother's Day?

Or, as a mom, that you’ve received?

Photo sources: flickr.com / Muffet, flickr.com / timsackton, flickr.com / ladybird twill, bathandbodyworks.com, flickr.com / jonathanb1989

The Dos and Don’ts of Hugging

Mon, 06 May 2013 09:21:00 -0700

Does Emily Post cover hugging in her tome about etiquette? Probs not, but I’m gonna do it here. You see, there are different types of hugs that are appropriate for different situations. And there are some situations in which a hug is not appropriate at all. Here are ten rules of hugging that everybody should observe:

Don’t: hesitate on a hug. If you start in on a hug, you’re committed. No turning back.
Don’t: hug someone the first time you meet them. The “Hiiiiisonicetomeeeeetyou!!!!” is already disingenuous.
Don’t: crush the boobs. It hurts. And dudes, ladies can tell when you’re doing it just to cop a feel. Stop it.
Don’t: call that thing where you lean forward and pat each other on the back a “hug.” Or that thing when you stand sideways and sort of put your arm around them. What is that?
Don’t: hug your coworkers, and especially not your boss. There are some exceptions to this rule, but since an unwanted hug can be considered sexual harassment, it’s best to go for a handshake or pat on the back instead.
Do: chest-bump in public as much as you want, but only ironically. And be prepared for eye rolls.
Do: shower and deodorize. No one wants a nose full of stink with their hug.
Do: read your hug recipient. Some people just aren’t huggers and no one wants to be force-hugged.
Do: choose your hugs wisely. A hug for your coworker is much different than for your best friend. And hugs vary based on occasion—happy or sad.
Do: hug your parents hello and goodbye. Throw in a simultaneous “I love you” if you wish to be a decent human being.

What other rules of hugging should we all observe?

And if you missed it, check out Facebook rules of etiquette.

Photo source: flickr.com / gagilas

May the Fourth Be With You

Fri, 03 May 2013 03:00:00 -0700

Happy almost Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you tomorrow. To celebrate this joyously nerdy occasion, I’m bringing you a slide show of Star Wars costumes. And not just any old Star Wars costumes… it’s all babies and puppies in there. Enjoy!

How Scare Tactics Create Cultured Kids

Thu, 02 May 2013 09:33:00 -0700

Everyone, welcome Cristina S. She's here to tell you how childhood traumas can have positive outcomes. Let her explain below... Xx EB

What’s the most extreme thing you’ve done to nurture your children’s talents?

Now, before you mutter, “helicopter mom,” be honest. Who among us hasn’t queried others about the best 5-and-under soccer coach? Or sought an after-school enrichment activity spurred by visions of high SATs? Or pursued that pivotal artistic experience with dreams of your child uttering, “I’d like to thank the Academy…”

I can simplify your life by offering up my parents’ approach to cultural indoctrination: “scare your kid sh@$less.”

Act 1: A small child (me) sits in a dark theater staring at a stage in wide-eyed fear. On stage, a victim emits blood-curdling screams as he is murdered.

You are likely thinking, “WTF”? We continue…

Flashback: (A few weeks prior) my parents, uncle, and aunt hatch a plan to drop some culture on us: “The THEATAH!” they exclaim.

As luck would have it, a play is running in nearby Boston. Critics and fans alike are raving. And, it stars the lovable Angela Lansbury!!! Huzzah!

The play? Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

In case you couldn’t tell, let me just state: Sweeney Todd is not. meant. for. children.

To this day, I can’t tell you the plot. Here’s what I recall through flashbacks:

The main characters are a barber and a cackling psychopath, Mrs. Lovett (played by the decidedly NOT lovable Miss Lansbury).
They lure victims to the barber’s chair where they slice their throats.
There is spurting blood.
Also screaming.
The bodies are pushed down a chute and made into meat pies.

There is lots of whimpering. No, wait - that was us kids!

Act 2: The ride home – three children sit in shock. Images from the performance flash in their minds in an endless loop of horror.

“Why did we just see that?” They whisper to each other, over and over.

Aside: To this day, at family reunions, there are no satisfactory answers or even remorse from the adults: “It starred Angela Lansbury!”…“Everyone said it was great!” And my personal favorite, “YOU KNOW SHE WON THE TONY FOR THAT, RIGHT?!”

Act 3: The present – an adult (me) eagerly contemplates several plays she and her daughter will see this spring.

I see around ten performances of one sort or another each year. My cousin suggests it’s a manifestation of Stockholm syndrome.

But I suspect it’s something else – something the intense emotional rush and other impressions turned on in my brain that day.

Because Sweeney Todd left me with some positive impressions too:

The velvety, bolstered comfort of the theater seats.
The crackle of anticipation when the lights dim.
The elaborate sets and costumes that can immerse you in another place or time.
The jolt of recognition when you see a familiar actor IN REAL LIFE.
The voyeuristic fun of peeking into another world.
The pleasure of a truly awesome musical score.

Bottom line: everything I experienced that day, led me to this life as a theater junkie. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t remember it as vividly if I’d seen Elmo on Ice.

So if you’re looking to foster a love of art for your kids, nieces or nephews, godchildren, etc. don’t kill yourself trying to find the perfect venue. The impact of seeing a live performance will generally rock a child’s world. And I promise you – it cannot be as disastrous as my experience.

And if it is, heck, maybe then they’ll be hooked.

Have you had a bad experience with something art-related?

Has it made you stronger or scarred you for life?

About Cristina Sierra: Cristina is the founder of NeverMissGift.com, a site she developed for well-intentioned but busy people who are tired of forgetting their nieces' and / or nephews' birthdays and holidays. She also writes a blog badaunt.com where she provides indisputable proof that screwing up a child is harder than it looks. You can follow her on Twitter @nevermissgift and Facebook.

Photo source: flickr.com/saipal

The Dos and Don’ts of Pre-Dating

Wed, 01 May 2013 11:35:00 -0700

Welcome back Emily, therapist turned writer/podcaster, who brought us the hard reality of Game of Thrones times. Now, pre-dating. Dating in the Internet age is complicated. Not that I would know, so Emily is here to help. Xx EB

These days, most of us have pretty healthy lives online, in the form of websites and apps that tell what we're reading, broadcast of our musical taste, post pictures, and endlessly feed the universe our information. All this information paints a picture of who a person is- a picture that, if you're about to go on a date with that person, you will be looking at endlessly.

Pre-date stalking is the name of this phenomenon, and it's incredibly addictive. It makes sense. Back in the day, when you were excited about a date, you'd just have to stare longingly out a window and daydream. That's why so many people were always photographed staring out of windows! A first date is all shiny, gorgeous potential, without any of the complications of reality to sully it. But now, rather than letting that potential unfold naturally, our excitement about the date leads us to find every single mention of them on the entirety of the Internet. But is it helping? Here are a few dos and don'ts of pre-date stalking that I've collected over the years, so that you don't walk into a first date already knowledgeable about your date's softball championship in 3rd grade.

Do: Pre-date stalk yourself. Seriously. Google yourself and then do your best to look at your online life with fresh eyes. Do you seem like a fun person? Maybe a little too party-happy? Tons of pictures of cats? Is your Spotify playlist kinda nuts? Would you say your online presence accurately and completely reflects the nuanced, multi-faceted wonder that is you? No? Well, don't assume it will reflect anyone else's personality either.

Do: Let your chemistry happen naturally. You may have figured out that this guy volunteers at an animal shelter and loves all the same bands you love, and therefore have already fallen in love with him, but beware! If you show up for a date already in love, it virtually guarantees you'll freak your date out. Evaluate and interact with the person in front of you, not the person you saw online.

Do: Set a limit for yourself. Maybe you will check a date's Instagram and Spotify, but nothing else? Pick two, maybe three places that you feel okay checking around in, and nothing else.

Don't: Make judgements based on what you find. Pictures of your date with his arms around another girl? Don't assume that she's an ex, and go into the date looking for signs that he's a cheater. It's not fair to you or him.

Don't: Add/friend/follow your date across all platforms before the date. It feels a little overeager, and tips your hand that you're checking up on him/her. Not that anyone is playing games…

Don't: Reveal your knowledge. When you meet your date, pretend you don't know anything. You may have knowledge of his Wes Anderson obsession in your head, but let that reveal itself naturally. Nothing's worse than getting psyched up to talk about your recent trip to Italy, only to have the other person go "Yeah, I know, I saw pictures." LET ME TELL IT!

This is a bigger, existential issue, perhaps, but with so much of our lives existing online, it's important to remember what actually makes up a personality. It isn't just their likes and dislikes, how many followers they have, the movies they've gone to see, or how many selfies they take. It's all those things plus their values, the way they deal with a spilled drink, what makes them laugh, and their hopes and dreams. And so far, no app has been able to figure out how to quantify that.

Give it time.

Have you ever gone too far with pre-date stalking?

Do you have any other pre-dating advice?

About Emily: Emily V. Gordon is a former therapist and current writer, comedy producer, and podcaster that lives in Los Angeles CA. You can check her writing at her blog Gynomite, and listen to her talk about video games on The Indoor Kids on the Nerdist Network.

Photo source: flickr.com / Ed Yourdon

Quick & Scrappy: Sweet Baked Apple

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 03:12:00 -0700

I’ll be honest - I have a pretty strong sweet tooth. And while I love to indulge it with some ice cream or pie, I can’t make that a daily thing. No thank you, diabetes. So I wanted to share one of the easiest (and possibly healthiest) desserts you can make – a sweet baked apple.

The What:
1 apple, red or green
1 Tbsp brown sugar
1 pinch cinnamon (more or less to taste)

The How:
1. Preheat the over to 350-degrees F
2. Blend the cinnamon and sugar with a fork, breaking up any sugar lumps.
3. Slice the apple into even slices, but make sure to keep the pieces in order. Then cut out the core and seeds from the inside of each slice.
4. Take a piece of aluminum foil in one hand and carefully re-assemble the apple in the foil leaving two pieces out.
5. Pour the cinnamon/sugar mixture into where the core of the apple used to be. Then add the two remaining apple slices to complete the apple.
6. Wrap the foil around the apple tightly, leaving the opening at the top of the apple.
7. Bake for 15-20 minutes. Unwrap and dig in!

If you want to make these for a summer BBQ, you can throw them on the grill for about 10 minutes. You can also get fancy like the photo and fill it with fruits and nuts.

What’s your favorite easy and/or healthy dessert?

I’m always looking for suggestions!

10 Reasons Why Giant Squids Rule

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 03:02:00 -0700

Photograph courtesy Tsunemi Kubodera of the National Science Museum of Japan/AP via nationalgeographic.com

The giant squid is my favorite animal. You might think that’s kind of a weird choice for a favorite animal, but if that’s what you think, then you don’t know enough about the giant squid. With that, I bring you – 10 reasons why giant squids rule:

It is the second largest invertebrate in the world (next to the colossal squid) with the maximum size at about 43 feet for females and 33 feet for males. About the size of a school bus.
The only known predator of an adult giant squid is the sperm whale, the largest toothed whale.
On their tentacles they have hundreds of suction cups, each lined with little rings of serrated teeth. TEETH! They use their tentacles to battle sperm whales that try to attack them. And they regenerate.
They have a really hard and sharp beak (like a parrot’s) and a radula or “tongue with small file-like teeth” inside.
It has the largest eyes of any living creature, except maybe the colossal squid, at least 11 inches in diameter. The size of your head!
Male giant squids have penises that are over 35 inches long and they’re prehensile, which means they have the ability to grasp… I’m not making this stuff up, people!
Aristotle, in the 4th century BC, had already described a large squid. Humans have known about these guys for a while.
The photograph of the giant squid is “the most elusive image in natural history” (according to marine biologist Richard Ellis) because as of the 21st century, no one had captured a photo of one alive. The first footage was captured in 2001 for the Discovery Channel’s Chasing Giants: On the Trail of the Giant Squid. Highly recommended.
Because of reason #8, humans still don’t know much about them at all. Especially how they hunt since no one has seen one feeding.
They’re pretty famous. From early legends of kraken to Moby-Dick, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and Ian Fleming’s Dr. No. But they’re probably not as scary as people make them out to be. Probably.

You can watch more about the first video of this magnificent creature in this interview with Richard Ellis, the author of The Search for the Giant Squid: The Biology and Mythology of the World’s Most Elusive Sea Creature”:

What’s your favorite animal?

Share which and why in the comments. Your reasoning better be convincing!

Sources: discovery.com, nationalgeographic.com, Wikipedia.org

DIY Fire Starters for Your Grill

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 03:15:00 -0700

Last time Janel brought us a super fem compact-glamming diy. Today she’s sharing a clever DIY for everyone… because who doesn’t like grilling? Try it and let me know how it goes! Xx EB

These little fire starters are a great mix of recycling, usefulness, and cleverness! Use commonly thrown-away items like lint, old wax, and egg cartons to create your own charcoal fire starters that are safe to transport to and from your picnic or barbecue. Everyone has lint, most have egg cartons and wax, and who doesn’t love a good grill-out? Now you can combine all of these into one cute little bundle of fabulous!

The What: 

Charcoal briquettes ( you can get easy light but it isn’t necessary)  
Dryer lint (ewww gross!)  
Leftover wax (candles, crayons)  
Egg carton (6 egg for smaller grills, 12 egg for larger)

The How:

Making these portable fire starters is quick and simple! Simply shove a piece of charcoal into each compartment and surround it with dryer lint and wax. It may be a bit difficult to close your egg carton but that’s okay, you will need to wrap it in newspaper and then tie with twine anyways.

Here is how these fire starters work…

The outer twine and newspaper catch fire and begin to burn. Quickly after, the dryer lint will catch fire and burn hot and fast catching the slow-burning wax and egg carton on fire. All of these working together will cause the briquettes to light and burn without the need for an accelerant. The paper, lint, and wax will burn completely and leave only the charcoal briquettes burning. Soon, they will be the perfect temperature for your burgers!

These little fire starters are safe to transport to the park and a fantastic way to recycle! Now you can recycle AND get your grill on!

Will you give this flammable DIY a try for your summer cookouts?

Do you have any of your own tricks or DIYs for the outdoors?

About Janel: Nellie is the crafter extraordinaire at her blog NellieBellie, where creativity and frugality reign supreme. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter @miznelliebellie.

Ice Cream Subscription Giveaway

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 03:02:00 -0700

If you’ve been a member of EB.com for any amount of time, you know that I’m pretty in love with CoolHaus ice cream sandwiches. For my birthday in February I called up the CoolHaus truck and invited them to the set of Walk of Shame for the cast and crew to enjoy…can’t say my reasons weren’t at all selfish. (lots of pics here). I also joined the Pint Club (I get one pint a month) and… ice cream at my door? It’s pretty magical.

Now, the über sweet people of CoolHaus have offered to share the wealth with you one of you nice people. They’re giving one EB.com member a three-month subscription to CoolHaus’ Pint Club, just in time for summer!

How it works:

Every month for three months the winner will receive a hand-packed pint of ice cream (as part of CoolHaus’ Pint Club)
CoolHaus’ team of ice cream experts will curate what flavor(s) you'll receive each month, surprising you with our classic, seasonal, boozy and adventurous ice creams (Peking Duck anyone?).
All deliveries are made during the first full week of each month via overnight shipping on dry ice.
They’ll send you an email at the beginning of each month reminding you that your pint is on its way to your door or is available for pick up, and what delicious flavor you should be expecting.
They can accommodate dietary restrictions (like alcohol and meat)

How to win:

1. Comment below with the best ice cream flavor you can think of. Whether or not it already exists – get creative!
2. Share this contest on twitter (here’s the link: http://bit.ly/icecrmgvy) with the hashtag #IceCreamFTW. (You can share up to once each day for more chances to win)

Looking forward to hearing some crazy amazing flavor ideas!

Update:

Congrats to EB.com member TT for winning a CoolHaus 3-month subscription to the Pint of the Month club! Her flavor of choice was "Salted Caramel Ice Cream with bits of See's Candy's 'Scotchmallow' mixed in the Salted Caramel Ice Cream! YUM!"

Make sure to register for ElizabethBanks.com to be the first to know about the next giveaway!

5 Sanity-Saving Apps For Parents

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 03:02:00 -0700

“Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids,” said Sam Levenson. In that spirit, I present new mom Kaitlyn’s blog on her favorite sanity-saving apps. Enjoy! Xx EB

I've officially been a mom for about two months and I am still waiting for the baby brain to go away. Somehow I was under the impression that after I delivered my little bundle of joy all of the forgetfulness and mild confusion would disappear and I would return to a calm and collected state - wrong!

Not only has the baby brain not gone away, my life is more hectic than ever. Between the diaper blowouts, lack of sleep and the quickest showers I've ever taken in my life it is safe to say I need all of the help I can get making my life simpler.

Thank god for the 21st century and the invention of apps. I seriously would never remember when the last time my daughter ate if it wasn't for my iPhone. I suppose I could write things down but with my forgetfulness that paper would disappear faster than free liquor at an office party.

I am here to share some apps that I have discovered to help parents stay ahead of the game:

1.) Groovebook [FREE / iPhone, Android]
As the proud parents we are, we are constantly snapping pictures of every single thing that they do. While we would like to think all of our Facebook friends want to see 300 photos a day of our children, they don't. So what do you do with all of those photos? Print them out! Groovebook will send you a printed book of your camera roll for the month in a neat little book with easily removable pages, awesome right? And even better, if it's your first time using the site, I've got this handy promo code NATURALLYGROOVE you can use to waive the $2.99 shipping fee on your book!

2.) Honest Baby [FREE / iPhone]
This is an all in one for new parents. People without kids might be thinking "why would you need to keep track of your child's poop?" but with a new baby it can be an important thing to remember. Not only does this app track the not so lovely things, it helps you keep track of feedings, doctors appointments and milestones. Can't remember what your kid's first word was? This app will.

3.) Cozi [FREE / iPhone, Android, BlackBerry]
I don't know about you but my calendar is my best friend. As things have gotten more hectic I found myself wishing I could color code the calendar entries in my phone to work with different family member's schedules. Cozi lets you have multiple calendars, keep your never ending to-do list and shopping list. You create an account and a universal family password and you can share the calendar with any of your family members on their phone, tablet, or computer.

4.) Bank of Mom [$1.99, iPhone]
Bank of Mom, ain't that the truth? This is an app that lets you set dollar amounts for chores done. You can also reward your child with activities such as 30 minutes of bonus TV or computer time, a sleepover or anything else they might think is worth doing the dishes for.

5.) First Aid by American Red Cross [FREE, iPhone/Android]
No matter what age your child is chances are they have nearly given you a heart attack at one point or another. Whether they fell down, ate something they shouldn't have, gotten incredibly sick or all of the above, you were probably scrambling to figure out what to do. This app offers a short video to give you immediate instructions for a variety of situation, or let you know that you are in over your head and should just call 911. They even provide a little button to push that will immediately let you dial 911.

[Disclosure: I have only tested these apps on an iPhone.]

What apps have been lifesavers for you and your family?

About Kaitlyn: Kaitlyn is a social media professional from the Berkshires of western Massachusetts, founder of the blogging community Blog-Trends.com and an expecting new mom. She loves meeting new people during the weekly #BlogTrends Twitter chat and enjoys chatting about crafting, cooking, and fashion on her personal blog Naturally Chic Life. Friend Kaitlyn.

Photo source: emerille

Go Green Yourself

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 03:05:00 -0700

Now, even more than in 1970, we have reason to worry about global warming and nuclear annihilation. I mean, have you been paying attention to the North Korea situation lately?! And while we may not be able to do a whole lot to put a stop to the nuclear thing, there is something we can do about greenhouse gas. I shared a few ways you can help the planet earlier this year, and now I’m sharing some Earth-Day-inspired swaps you can make to save energy, the planet, and even some money.

Will you implement any of these swamps?

Share your favorite Earth-friendly practice in the comments below.

Then, share this with your friends to encourage them to make some Earth-friendly swaps!

More tips from 50waystohelp.com, we-energies.com, and togetherwesave.com

Stop Ruining Facebook

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 03:00:00 -0700

There is a reason that there are fewer and fewer teens on Facebook. You might say it’s because it’s not “new” anymore. That the fact that there are about 1.06 BILLION users means that it’s no longer “exclusive.” But you want to know the real reason?

Parents.

And aunts, uncles, and even grandparents.

But, it’s not them! It’s how they're using Facebook…So, I thought I’d help by sharing the Facebook rules of etiquette I’ve learned. (Teens, send this to your parents. You’re welcome.):

Do not invite anyone to a game or an app. Not even those “birthday” ones. It’s the equivalent of signing someone up to receive the Kmart catalogue. And Facebook already tells you when it’s someone’s birthday.
Quit it with the quotes. If your Facebook wall consists primarily of photos with words on them, you’re definitely annoying your friends. Use your own words sometimes.
Stop commenting on everything. I know it’s hard to resist, but commenting on everything just makes you creepy. It translates to, “I’m watching you…”
Enough with the baby photos. We all think your infant/toddler is adorable, but there’s a reason why we’re friends with you and not a 10-month old.
Hashtags aren’t cool. Well, Facebook actually will be integrating hashtags soon. But, for the last nine years of existence, anyone who #hashed their update was simply proving their lack of tech savvy-ness.

Are there any other Facebook etiquette rules I missed?

How do you deal with annoying people on Facebook?

Photo source: flickr.com/miguelphotobooth, cheezburger.com

Women Shouldn’t Need to Lean In

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 03:05:00 -0700

You may have heard the phrase “lean in” floating around. Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg has become a leading lady for women in business. She gave a lecture (via Ted Talk), which is now a book Lean In, in which she tells women with high aspirations to “lean in.” Meaning, “’sit at the table,’ seek challenges, take risks, and pursue their goals with gusto.”

Here’s Sheryl’s Ted Talk, if you want to watch it:

I agree with Sandberg that there’s an abominable amount of gender inequality in the workplace. And I am always up for a public debate on women’s issues (I have long been a feminist) (they’re calling this the “Fourth Wave Feminism”). But I think that encouraging women to be more ambitious is missing the point. I think plenty of women are ambitious, but motherhood changes the game. And right now, that game is not rigged for decent work-life balance. Only when we recognize the different challenges for men and women and level the playing field, will the game become more equitable for women.

In Vogue’s cover article of rock star Gwen Stefani, I was delighted they included this comment from No Doubt’s drummer Adrian Young, “Gwen (Stefani) is the only mom in the band, so it poses a different kind of challenge for her than it does for us.” I love that the men in No Doubt acknowledge that, despite the fact they all have kids now, being a mom is different than being a dad.

The reality is that today’s top jobs in major organizations demand 60-plus hours of work per week (WSJ). People are being asked to make their jobs all-consuming. That leaves little time for partners and kids, let alone exercise or hobbies. When women are asked to choose between a job and a family, it’s no surprise that a lot of ladies choose the latter. A Wall Street Journal article concluded:

"More great women don't 'lean in' because
they don't like the world they're being asked to lean into."

New York Magazine just did a cover story about exactly this, titled “The Retro Wife,” in which "feminist housewives" work at creating happy, organized home lives rather than breaking any glass ceilings. Unfortunately, as the article intimates, staying home is not a financially feasible option for many moms. When there is no choice, how do those women fare?

The U.S. is lagging behind other developed countries in women’s labor force participation, in part because of the lack of family-friendly policies (like paid family leave and protection for part-time workers), according to Slate. But, even these “family friendly” policies can be counterproductive to women who want to reach high-level positions. “The segmented nature of part-time work meant that women who switched to part-time hours, usually over child rearing, were often thrown off their occupational path into low-skilled, feminized work,” writes feminist sociologist Louisa Blackwell (via Slate). Basically, women who work less or take time off to take care of kids could put themselves at a long-term disadvantage in terms of their career and their earning potential.

The solution to having more women in higher positions isn’t simple. But it seems like if you have enough intelligent and talented people, they should be able to get their job done in a reasonable amount of hours. Jody Greenstone Miller suggests designing jobs in a more innovative way by rethinking the hours of the standard work week, breaking work into projects, differentiating between availability and time commitment, and focusing on quality, not quantity. Reducing the stigma of flexible work arrangements and having parental leave that is equal for fathers and mothers could distribute childcare responsibility more evenly.

Of course, any and all policy changes require men to get involved. Even working women still do disproportionate amounts of housework and childcare. And without family-friendly policies like subsidized childcare or mandatory leave for fathers, women won't give up their power or position at home. Why would we? We are always the boss there.

The bottom line is that innovation is required, and soon, not just to benefit women, but families generally and society as a whole. Let's all "lean in" to make that happen.

Do you feel like your job is all-consuming?

Have you had to make a decision to choose between your job and your personal life? What did you do?

Photo source: flickr.com / Lizbeth*King, flickr.com / Laura Forest

DIY Lantern String Lights

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 09:03:28 -0700

From the woman who brought us rainbow windows, statement necklaces, and hot glue hearts, welcome back Aunt Peaches for a fun and festive DIY. Xx EB

Who says twinkle lights are restricted to Christmas trees and dorm rooms? Let's get them out of the garage and put them to good use! Twinkle lights are one of the easiest and least expensive ways to bring a festive atmosphere to any space, any time of year. From adding ambiance indoors, to bringing a big plop of glamour to parties, to allowing portable lighting to your barbeque on the back deck – there are oodles of ways to integrate twinkle lights into your life all year!

This quick and easy DIY project will convert a simple light strand into a colorful garland of handmade blooms.

The What:

Making these garlands of mini lampshades couldn’t be easier – all you need are paper cups, a string lights, and a pair of scissors.

The How:

Step one: Use the scissors to cut a 1cm hole through the back end of the cup.

Step two: Trim off the rim (optional).

Step three: Cut incisions all along the perimeter of the cup, as long or as short as you like.

Step four: Like a flower, fold back the petals (or every other petal).

Step five: Insert one bulb through the hole made in step one.

Step six: Enjoy your creation!

Want to hang your garland from an existing light fixture but don't want to run an extension chord around the room? No problem, there is an inexpensive gizmo called a socket converter that will allow you to insert a plug in place of a standard light bulb. The light will turn on and off with a light-switch on the wall, same as always.

This project is a great way to use up leftover party supplies, or better yet, get out the paint and have some fun. Paper cups make a great canvas for abstract shapes and bright colors. A new way to display kid art? Hello!

Will you bust out your twinkle lights for this fun DIY?

To be the first to know about our latest DIYs, recipes, fashion tips, and more, make sure to sign up for the ElizabethBanks.com newsletter.

About Peaches: Peaches, the artist and author behind the blog Aunt Peaches, shares creative and inexpensive how-to projects for those who love where they live. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter at @auntpeachesblog.

The Reality of Game of Thrones Times

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 03:30:00 -0700

I’m happy to introduce you to the wonderfully nerdy and funny Emily V. Gordon. She is a therapist turned writer/comedy producer who has a podcast called The Indoor Kids with her husband about video games. Today, she brings us an analysis on Game of Thrones, which you know is one of my favorite shows. Enjoy her words! Xx EB

Hi everyone. Did you know…GAME OF THRONES IS BACK? Ahem…. sorry. But I can't contain myself. I devoured the books in a two week span, I completely adore the visceral bombasticness of the show, I own TWO Game of Thrones shirts… and I once interrupted George R.R. Martin at lunch to show him one of the aforementioned Game of Thrones shirts on my body.

While watching Game of Thrones, which is set in a magical version of medieval times, you may feel somewhat swept away in the gorgeousness of it all, and fantasize about living in craggy castles on windy mountains, or living and dying by your wits on the open road, or being a pampered princess overlooking the ocean during endless feasts. But think again, because the fantasy of living in Game of Thrones times doesn't match up to the reality. Let's examine.

Fantasy:
You wear gorgeous velvet dresses and have a person completely devoted to just making sure you look pretty.
Reality:
Those dresses are NOT breathable, so you sweat all the time, and there is no deodorant. Plus your handmaiden may hate you and be plotting to kill you.

Fantasy:
If you're the child of a rich person, you have every whim catered to.
Reality:
Most likely, someone is trying to kill you to usurp your parents' power. No one in power is ever safe in Game of Thrones times.

Fantasy:
Days spent wandering the markets, looking for treasures brought in from faraway lands.
Reality:
The plague + rats + no sewage system = picking up more than you bargained for at the market.

Fantasy:
Long, flowing, gorgeous hair that twists in the wind as you survey your kingdom.
Reality:
There's no running water, so good luck getting that hair washed, or blown out, or deloused.

Fantasy:
Marrying a handsome prince who is noble and loyal and looks good in armor, and will challenge anyone who looks at you weirdly.
Reality:
Having your hand in marriage promised to a random guy for political reasons, like your dad wanting more land in the North. And if you protest, you could start a war.

Fantasy:
Road trips, that modern rite of passage, where you can explore wild lands and have adventures.
Reality:
Road trips without any highways or GPS to guide you, and endless amounts of people in those wild lands waiting to rob you or ransom you.

Fantasy:
Spending your adulthood raising a gorgeous family of knights and ladies, teaching them archery and horse-riding.
Reality:
The lifespan is around 28 years, so when you get pregnant at 14, that is officially your adulthood.

Fantasy:
The peace and quiet that comes with the lack of modern conveniences like cell phones, cable shows you simply have to watch, iCal reminders, workout groups, women's mags encouraging you to look differently than you do.
Reality:
The most reliable form of communication is birds, and that takes weeks at a time.

Fantasy:
Fresh, free range, organic food.
Reality:
Lamprey Pie. FOR EVERY MEAL. Have you ever eaten a lamprey? It's not like eating Unagi sushi. It's much worse.

Fantasy:
Magical things can happen at any point in time, and there are dragons and giants and ghosts!
Reality:
Dragons, giants, and ghosts all want to murder you. Also there are zombies.

As much as I love the Game of Thrones universe, I am not in any rush to live in Game of Thrones times. I'll satisfy myself with dressing in long velvet gowns at Renaissance Fairs, and every Sunday when I sit on my couch, watching Game of Thrones and chowing down on Lamprey Pie.

Have you been keeping up with the GoT season so far?

What do you think?

About Emily V. Gordon: Emily is a former therapist and current writer, comedy producer, and podcaster that lives in Los Angeles CA. You can check her writing at her blog Gynomite, and listen to her talk about video games on The Indoor Kids on the Nerdist Network.

Photo sources: leviathyn.com, HBO via Screenrant.com, HBO via gameofthronesseason1.com, HBO via biggtv.wordpress.com, HBO.com, fanpop.com